hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
