apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
