Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
