I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
