Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
