I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
