You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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