she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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