dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
