it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
