Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I cannot find my penis.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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