It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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