Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
