Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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