Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
