May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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