please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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