you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
