Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
