Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
