On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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