Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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