I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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