so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
