The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
