Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My life is pants optional.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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