we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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