I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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