I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
