i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
