The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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