During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
