I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
