if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
