Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
