I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
