I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
