there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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