I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
