We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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