She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
