my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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