Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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