I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
