I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
