He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
