remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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