Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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