I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I will pee on everything he values.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
