What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
