Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
