our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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