I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
